Sunday, February 05, 2012

Babies

I have a confession to make, I'm a ball of hormonal baby wishes. I'm 30 and my writing career is budding, I've never been all that career conscious at any rate, but I have always wanted to be a mother, ever since I was a small child playing with dollies. I've been married 2 and a half years and the timing just isn't right to start having babies. We live in a beautiful one bedroomed appartment with exquisite views of the fjord, but its too small to start a family in. My husband works full-time, but I'm a part-time writer (unpaid) and part-time cleaner (paid), like I said before my writing career isn't exactly in full bloom. Economically it isn't a viable consideration just now and everyone knows that babies are expensive. But how do you make the overwhelming sensation of wanting children, of the desperation to be a mother go away? Of course its a bit of a roller coaster, when I'm at my most hormonal the sensation is at its strongest, but it never completely goes away. The hardest thing is that it seems that the world and his wife are having babies, everyone I see is pushing a pram or has a swelling pregnant stomach, at my part-time job out of a work for of about 40+ there have been at least 10 pregnancies and births, everywhere I look I see baby pictures or pregnant women and the wishing gets stronger. I have a little box of baby clothes, that probably doesn't make it better, I have a file of baby pictures and I find names for the children I haven't got yet. Yes I am just a slightly pathetic woman. I hover over my friends children, I cuddle their babies and wish for my own. Occasionally my friends tell me I'd make a good mother, a compliment that takes my breath away, but I treasure to hear it. There is a well inside my heart, filled with the un-used love that has frozen into sharp and painful shards that pierces me everytime the longing get too strong. Before I met my lovely husband I used to think there was no pain greater than being lonely and wishing for that person to spend the rest of you life with, now I'm not so sure that it can really compare with the pain of wanting a child so much you feel torn in two. Although perhaps that's only because this pain is in the present, whereas that pain is in my past. Some one told me today that there's never a good time to have a child, that there will always be something to do or to fix. But that's true about every life changing event, isn't it? Every event that changes you life completely, that stops your everyday existence and re-shuffles all your priorities is always inconvienient, even the most joyful events. Really, its my husband's reticence, he's a couple of years younger than me, that stops us from taking the plunge. Out of respect for his feelings we will wait until we have bought a home to raise children in, whenever that happens. It still doesn't make the painful aching go away. So unless some of you readers have any idea how to make it disappear, I will soldier on and hope you forgive me my complaining!