Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts

Monday, December 08, 2014

Mrs Egeland Apologises

Dear Readers,

I’m writing to apologise for my absence. It mightn’t be over yet.

The last few months, I have been struggling with some personal issues, that I would love to share with you but I don’t know quite how without sounding like I’m whinging.

My health has worsened. To the point where I’m teetering on the edge of a total breakdown again, this time I’m emotionally stronger. But I’m not sure how long I will be able to last.

My creative impulses are still there but I’m not making anything new, I’m not writing hardly at all, what little creativity that is created is mediocre and not worth anyone’s attention. The new blog lies unused and unappreciated, as I am unable to cope with the level of stress creating a new form for this blog would entail.

The only really worthy creation is my novel, which is right in the middle of publication. Artwork and cover colours are really the only honest-to-good creation I am able to work on, and that is in conjunction with a layout artist and my editor, so my input is minimal.

Unfortunately, I can’t share that with you, not yet, because I’m anxious that the results be seen at their finish rather than half-way through.

Its closing in to the world’s biggest, most expensive festival, Christmas. Something I personal don’t celebrate, so I’m not even doing anything for that. I have a GREAT idea for a homemade decoration that could be customised for every occasion, but even that lies stagnant inside my head as I am too exhausted to even near my sewing machine.

Sometimes, there are moments in life when health, mental and physical have to take precedence over everything else. It seems that if I could just improve a little, I would have the impetus to get back to blogging, creating and sharing the results with you all.

At the moment though, I feel stuck in a rut. As if I had fallen down a deep pit and without a huge shift I can’t get out. No matter how hard I try to pull myself out, to call for help, to see the light I can’t. I merely wear my already worn body out.

So for now, you lovely readers will have to wait it out. I have hope to be able to show you my new book in the next few months.

Thanks for you patience,

Until next time,

Davita

Friday, October 11, 2013

Homesickness, and the choppy seas of marriage.

This is a continuation of the theme that has been invading my blog for quite a while.

I have struggled through another week, and come through it tired of crying, but still depressed. With a husband who equates living in Britain with my leaving him. I suppose because he’s unable to even consider the possibility of his own happiness in my country. Although he expects me to be happy in his country!

He says he wants me to tell him how I feel, when I’m angry with him and homesickness overwhelms me, but what he really wants is a quiet life. In the end all men want is a Stepford wife, a woman who looks good, cleans house, cares for him and doesn’t feel anything but euphoria and ecstacy. Maybe the older ones are a little better, but probably not by much.

The trouble is every time I do tell him I’m angry with him, its another argument about the same thing over and over again. You can only rock the boat so much until someone falls out of it. I don’t want him or me to fall out of the boat! I’m a woman I need to talk, I need the safety valve of blowing off steam. I have girlfriends, my parents and this blog but that doesn’t communicate my feelings to him, but I’m scared I’m going to rip us in two!

As I said in my last post, my homesickness isn’t quite the same as say the homesickness of someone just arriving in a new place. Don’t get me wrong, the feelings are just as intense as those of someone who has recently moved away from everything they know! Its just that all of those little tips to make yourself feel better don’t really help me any. All I can do is keep busy, and try not to dwell to much on how much better I would feel in the UK. I’ve arrived at that stage of numb emptiness, where you don’t really care about anything anymore, because “where’s the point?”. I manage to get up in the morning, I manage to get dressed, I loathe leaving the flat and I don’t really want any company, not even my husband’s, even though I love him to death! But he doesn’t get it. He will never get it.

I find myself searching for things to give me that sensation of being home, its a terrible obsession! I watch BBC entertainment, which is about the closest thing I can get to british TV, I watch Dr Who repeats there and wallow in british-ness of it all. I have my Google account open practically 24/7 waiting for the next email from my parents, I call them up on the phone or Skype and absorb the sensation of home. I do everything I can think of to feel that sensation of wellbeing, even if its just for a moment. There’s only so far you can go on moments of wellbeing, eventually the sensation fades from those things and your left with the overwhelming feeling of being lost and unsure. Eventually you just have to do the one thing that cures the ailment, and hope that you don’t hurt anyone in the process.

I don’t know when I will go home, but I know -  past the numbness, past the emptiness, past the insecurity of being here that in the end I will have to go home and it will have to be for good. I just hope that when that day comes my husband comes with me.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Emotional Spin Cycle

Is it just me? I feel like I've been through some horrific event that has left me scarred and sore and yet I just haven't had a holiday in two years. I'm on the brink of falling down some deep abyss from nothing but backloads of stress. Every little thing makes me break down and burst into floods of tears, I walk around on my personal eggshells trying to not let it show and doing my best not to bother anyone, especially not my nearest and dearest since they're feeling the same way. I worry when they don't tell me how they feel, especially from the male half of them, because I worry it some sort of sign that they're going to leave me. No matter how much I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, about caves and wells I still feel like I've just come out of the emotional spin cycle and been put through the wringer. I still get scared that my loved ones are just working up the courage to tell me it's over. But what can I do? I can't just leave for calmer climes, because I have responsibilities, duties to the company I work for, obligations to fulfill. Should I be turning more towards spirituality? Am I an empty void waiting to be filled up spiritually? Yet the mere thought makes me feel like crawling back under the bed clothes and hiding away till it all goes away. Is this normal behaviour? Am I just depressed? Why? I have a good job, a loving fiancè and a nice place to live? What's missing? Shouldn't I be reeling in overwhelming contentment? I know that this is not going to be cured by merely going away, but surely the distance can help you re-evaluate. Nor will marrying my fiancè any earlier make me suddenly happy again, because I'll certainly take these feelings along with me, besides which they say weddings are one of the MOST stressful occasions in a persons life, God help me if I took on one now! All I can do is wait it out as best I can and hope I don't fall off the edge before I get some kind of time off, or I'm not sure what I'll do. Over and out